A Weekend at EARL's: House Party of Doom
by JoeMerl
Summary: Zim's Computer and Dib work together to get a nice, Zim-free weekend, but when a battle of wills break out between them will Tak, Keef and the Swollen Eyeball Network interfere with their plans? DACF-Dib and Computer friendship.
1. Tricky Transmissions

**Author's Notes: **This is a story that's been in the back of my mind for about a year, ever since I published my first Zim's Computer/Dib friendship story, "A Weekend at EARL's." People wanted some kind of a sequel, and I---stop, don't hit that back button yet! Honestly, you can probably get through this story _without_ even reading the prequel, and anyway, it was only a one-shot, barely longer than this chapter and should be no problem if you _want_ to look it up. I'll even provide this convenient link for ya (insert the "dot" where necessary):

http://www**.**fanfiction**(DOT)**net/s/4333834/1/A_Weekend_at_EARLs

Anyway, _this_ story will be multichaptered, and the point of view will mostly alternate between EARL (aka "Zim's Computer") and Dib each chapter. Anyway, without further ado, on with the story, and I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Chapter One  
Tricky Transmissions

**(EARL'S POV)**

"ER! _COM-PU-TER!_"

I sighed. "_What,_ Zim?"

"Run a diagnostic on this laser cannon! It's still not working right!" he demanded, pointing angrily at the offending machine.

"I'm telling you, it's not working right because you're supposed to hook up the red wire to the central energy conduit, not the**—**"

"_Do not question my orders! I AM ZIM!_"

I sighed again. "Alright, alright…"

I snapped a wire off from the ceiling and sent it down to connect with the laser cannon of Zim's latest doomsday device. The scanning process lasted only a few seconds. "Diagnostic shows the cannon is working fine, but is not hooked up properly."

"But that's impossible! GRR!" Zim ripped at the wires and cables inside the cannon with his gloved claws, red eyes twitching in annoyance. "What could the stupid problem _be_ with this thing?!"

"Well, maybe if you hooked it up to the _central_ energy conduit**—**"

"_Silence!_" He went back to work, hooking the wires up in entirely the wrong order. Minimoose floated over his shoulder, frowning slightly before turning to me with a slight squeak.

"Yeah," I agreed. "He never _does_ learn, does he?"

Zim growled but otherwise ignored my comment. I repressed the urge to sigh again and instead switched my attention to other points of the base. GIR was coming down the hall towards the lab. I opened my sliding metal door for him, and he skipped into the lab, happily slurping on a suckmunkey.

"HIYA, MASTAH! HIYA, MOOSY!" GIR said, waving. I waited for a "hiya" too. I didn't get one.

It's pretty sad when not even _GIR _is nice to you. But then, sometimes I wonder if he even knows I'm here; probably he just mistakes me for one of the _other_ disembodied voices he hears in his head.

"_GRR!_" Zim stood up again and kicked the laser cannon, hard. Then he let out a scream and began to hop around on one foot, cursing angrily. "Stupid piece of junk! Oh, I know what this is. This is the Dib's doing! He must have broken this the last time he broke into the base!"

"No, he didn't," I said; I was trying to be patient, but I couldn't help but let my annoyance creep into my voice. "You weren't even _working _on it then. The problem is that you**—**"

"_Do not speak!_ Especially you! It's _your_ fault that this is happening in the first place!" Zim accused, pointing up at my main screen. "If _you_ had been paying attention like you were supposed to, he never would have broken into the base in the first place, and this piece of junk would still be _working!_" He threw his wrench angrily at the cannon; it suddenly glowed green, vibrating rapidly. Zim blanched as it powered up for a few seconds, then shot a burning blast of energy right at him. He let out a scream as he was thrown across the room, smashing into a collection of equipment beside one of the room's main ventilation shafts.

"_AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH---CURSES!_"

Zim got up, steaming; almost literally, my sensors could detect the angry rise in his body temperature, heart rate and so forth. The equipment clattered around him as he stood. Despite the urge to laugh, I stayed quiet, tense. But Zim didn't seem to hear the slight noises of movement that were coming out of the ventilation shaft beside him.

Good.

Zim groaned and stormed back over to the laser cannon, glaring at it. "Stupid Dib-monkey," he growled, crossing his arms. "Oh, once I get this completed, I'll**—**" He froze. "What was that?"

Another small clang of movement from the ventilation shaft. "I didn't hear anything."

Another small noise. I glared through my sensors at the shaft as Zim turned around, eyes wide.

"That! That sound! Computer! Run a scan, what was that?!"

"Oh...uh..." I made a small noise like the clearing of a throat. "Probably the...rats."

He gaped at me. "_Rats?!_"

"Yeah. You know, those annoying little Earth creatures?"

"I know what they are!" Zim snapped, then turned back to the shaft. "There are rats in that pipe?"

"Yeah..."

He grimaced, then approached the pipe, a PAK-leg extending out and crackling with energy. "Well...we'll just see about tha---"

"Uh, I wouldn't go in there."

Zim turned. "What? Why?"

"Well, because Earth rats? They usually just stay in the dark and don't mess with you, but if you go after them...well, Zim, they're basically the same as Blorchians. Do you..._really_ want to go hunting a bunch of them down through that air shaft?"

Zim blinked, then scowled. "Ha! Silly Computer. No Blorchian scares Zim! ...Although," he added, in a somewhat more nervous voice, the spidery leg returning to his PAK, "maybe you're right for now. Just remind me to invent some sort of a…rat-killing robotic death squad later. Or something."

"Can do. But it might be easier just to get a cat."

"Oooh! I wants a cat!" GIR cried, suddenly distracted from his precious drink. "Can we gets a cat?! I'll feed her and hug her and name her Sally!" He hugged the suckmunkey to his chest tightly, an enraptured look on his face.

Zim opened his mouth to answer**—**loudly, from the look of it**—**when a loud beeping filled the room. Zim's face shot up. "What's that?"

"Uh, incoming transmission." I was as startled as he was.

"Transmission? From where?"

"Uh, somewhere on Earth**—**that's weird**—**re-routing the transmission signal, lemme just**—**_agh!_"

Suddenly the signal broke through my programming, and against my own will my screen filled with an image**—**a boy sitting in front of his computer, an unnaturally huge grin on his face, eyes wide and excited.

Uh-oh. I knew that face.

"_Keef?!_" Zim cried, jumping backwards, eyes wide.

"HI BUDDY!" Keef screamed, eyes closed in the utter rapture of the moment. "How are you?! Oh, man, this is so great, I've been trying to call you _forever_ and**—**hey, Zim?" He opened his eyes and frowned. "Where'd ya go?"

Zim---wisely---had dove out of the way just in time, hiding behind his chair, looking terrified. It took me a second to realize why: Keef was getting a view of the subterranean base, the main lab filled with Irken experiments and equipment. And both Zim and GIR were out of their disguises.

Uh-oh again. I tried to close the screen. But Keef's signal was somehow keeping me from doing it. How on Earth**—**

"HI KEEF!" GIR cried, running over to try to get into view. I let out a cry and grabbed him with one of my robotic arms**—**it shot from the ceiling and clamped down on him, hard, before he could reach the chair. I drew him back out of sight, metallic claws carefully closed around his face; I could feel him speaking under nevertheless, jabbering on stupidly as though completely unaware he was unable to speak.

Keef looked around, startled. "Zim? Was that you?"

Zim, hidden from sight, shot my nearest sensor a furious look. "_Close it!_" he snapped, his voice a mere whisper. "_Close it!_"

"I'm trying**—**I**—**_er!_"

Finally I managed to close off the signal**—**Keef's face went statickfy and vanished as my firewalls went into effect. I added a few force fields around the base just to be extra careful, then sighed. "Well. _That_ was close."

"Close?!" Zim raged, jumping up from his hidden crouch. "You idiot! That could have cost us the entire mission! What is _wrong_ with you, opening a signal like that?!"

"Hey!" My sensors burned red with indignation. "That wasn't _me!_ That signal opened itself! It overrode all of my firewalls! I don't know how he did that," I muttered, quickly running a diagnostic to make sure they were all in working order. "That kid is just so _persistent…"_

Zim growled. "It's always an excuse with you!" he raged, throwing up his claws. "You let in the Dib, you let in the Keef…what on Earth am I paying you for?!"

"You _don't_ pay me."

"I don't have to! I give you free room and board!"

"I _am_ the room and board! And I**—**"

I was interrupted by more beeping. Zim spun around again. "The Keef _again?!_"

"No," I said, my tone confused. "This one is coming…from the Massive?!"

Zim jumped; his antennae jerked straight up like rigid horns.

"The Tallests?! The Tallests are calling? Calling _Zim?!_ That's never happened before**—**well, open it, open it!"

"Okay**—**"

My screen turned staticky again**—**for a brief moment Tallest Red's face became visible, and Tallest Purple in the background, but then almost instantly the two vanished, then reappeared, then vanished again. At the same time audio began coming through, equally spotty.

"Zim!" called Tallest Red's voice. "We're under**—**_sssttt_**—**attack**—**_sssttt_**—**Meekrobian fleet**—**_sssttt_**—**need your**—**_sssttt_**—**amazing piloting skills**—**_sssttt_**—**near Motelia 6**—**_sssttt_**—**Massive in great danger**—**_sssttt_**—**hurry!**—**_sssttt_**—**poopy cheeze! And---"

_BOOM! _There was the sound of an explosion, and a look of shock from Tallest Red's face as it suddenly flickered out. The screen went to full static. "That's the end," I said, my voice shaking. "The signal got cut."

Zim was frozen for a moment, mouth hanging open. Then he suddenly spun around and ran for the lift.

"_COM-PU-TER!_ Prepare the Voot Cruiser for immanent departure! Open the hanger gates! _HURRY!_"

"YAY! Roadtrip!" GIR cried, as he and Minimoose ran after him. The two jumped onto the lift (well, Minimoose just floated) just as it rose out of sight with Zim inside, taking top speed to the attic where the spaceship was docked. I opened the roof up for them, creating a quick hologram around it to keep any nosy neighbors from seeing (as if they would).

I paused; I watched through my numerous sensors as they flew up through the levels, watched as Zim jumped into the Voot Cruiser with the others behind him, and watched as they took off, flying through the Earth's sky. I waited just another few seconds to be sure…

"Heh-heh-heh. _They're gah-ahn,_" I sang, chuckling wickedly just as my long-range sensors felt them leave the atmosphere.

The grille on the ventilation pipe suddenly burst open, and a young, large-headed human child came tumbling out, covered in dust and laughing hysterically.

"HA---oh _man,_ I _can't_ believe they fell for that!" Dib said, climbing to his feet and straightening out his shirt and trench coat, a grin spread across his face. "I mean, 'amazing piloting skills?' Do his leaders even _talk _to him like that?"

"_No,_" I said, chucking along with him. "But I think that's what he _hears_ them say."

Dib laughed, running his hand through his hair to get all the dust out. It shot instantly back up into its strange, scythe-like formation. "And that was a great save with the rat thing, by the way. But what was that with Keef calling? Were you trying to distract him or something?"

"What? Oh, no, that was a _real_ call."

Dib blinked. "Keef called the base---er, you? _How?_"

I shrugged. "I don't know. But it was just a normal call, normal human technology as far as I can tell. I'm not sure how he managed to break through our barriers...but then, it's Keef."

"Yeah, that's true." Dib paused, then suddenly grinned. "So, Zim'll be gone for the whole weekend?"

I chuckled. "At least. That's if he _doesn't_ run into any traffic. Motelia 6 is in a very busy solar system. It could be three or four days before he even _gets_ there, only to find out that the Massive is on the other side of the quadrant."

He laughed again. "EARL, you're a genius," he said, wiping a tear from under his glasses.

EARL. That was the name he had invented for me. It was a human name, and a pretty dumb one at that, but I liked it. It was certainly a lot better than just being called "_COM-PU-TER!_" all day.

Dib climbed into the lift. "Hey, could you…" He pointed up.

"Huh? Oh, sure."

I brought the lift up. Which was fine; I was just as much there as in the lab, after all.

"Going to get the popcorn?" I asked. The microwave in the kitchen instantly lit up in anticipation.

"What? Oh, no, I actually need to go home for a little bit**—**you know, get some stuff, leave a note for my dad, make a few calls…"

"Oh." That was a bit disappointing.

The lift reached the kitchen; Dib emerged through the toilet and jumped deftly down onto the floor, practically skipping into the living room. "But you'll be back soon, right?" I asked.

He looked up at the ceiling. "Totally."

"Okay. Um...cool."

I opened the front door for him. He stepped out, then quickly stuck his head back in and gave a small wave.

"See you in about an hour, EARL."

"I'll be here."

He laughed, stepped outside and ran down the lawn. The gnomes, of course, did nothing; I had deactivated them before he even arrived.

I watched him walk down the sidewalk. Then I turned my attention back into the house. The lights brightened instantly with my mood.

Another weekend without Zim. And another weekend with Dib. Another weekend of goofing off, joking, playing computer games, eating junk food (well, okay, me watching Dib eat the junk food, which was still somehow enjoyable), making fun of Zim, watching stupid videos on the PooTube…

What would we do first, I wondered. I should start getting ready. Maybe I should order the pizza? Or start downloading the movies off of the Earth Internet? I had already found dozens of scientific inaccuracies in the _Star Walk_ movie we could make fun of…and I still hadn't shown Dib the Irkenet, you could find anything there…I could hook up the Control Brains and download Zim's entire file, Dib would just _love_ hearing about the first Operation Impending Doom…

Ah well. Plenty of time for all that, I thought, chuckling. "This weekend is gonna be _great._"

* * *

**(???)**

Far away from Zim's base, hundreds of thousands or more sharp Irken letters filtered on a huge computer screen, glowing a radioactive green.

A figure, hunched in shadows, watched the screen closely, a dark look across the hidden face.

Suddenly a new clump of Irken letters appeared among the rest, blood-red against the glowing green. The letters beside them began to redden, spreading out.

"This weekend is going to be _great,_" EARL's voice said, chuckling to himself through the computer's speakers.

The figure watching the screen grinned.

"Why yes. Yes it is."

* * *

**A/N: **And that's the first chapter. I honestly don't know when I'll be able to get back to this, since I already have several other projects I'm juggling...but I'll try to get back to it soon, so don't worry. Until then, please review!


	2. In Person

**Author's Notes:** Okay, I officially suck. It's summer, so in theory I should have no problem at all with regular updates; but, unfortunately I've managed to find so many distractions (including a lot of other stories!) that it's been over a month since I've updated this, which should be my _easiest_to update since this chapter was half-done when I posted the first chapter. Anyway, I'll try to get the next one up soon, though it might be a while---I'm gonna try to update "Death of the Dib," then finish up a few of my stories that are almost finished so I'll be less frazzled. Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter. :-)

* * *

Chapter Two  
In Person

**(DIB'S POV)**

I ran out of EARL's house---well, out of EARL, I guess, but that was a kind of creepy way to think of it---and across Zim's yard, grinning to myself as the gnomes remained limp and impassive, deactivated for my convenience. One of the many benefits of my new arrangement...

I ran down the cul-de-sac and turned left, glancing down at my watch as I ran. "Crud! Only ten minutes, and they're gonna _kill_ me if I'm late again!" I put my arm away, spinning around another corner. "But that's okay. That's plenty of time to get home, as long as I don't run into any interrupt---"

_CRASH!_

"_Agh!_"

I fell back, lower spine slamming painfully against the sidewalk. "_Agh!_" said the figure I had run into snarling as he climbed to his own feet. "What the hell---_ah!_ Well if it isn't little _Dib!_"

"Huh?"

I looked up---then instantly grimaced. "Ugh. _Stu._"

The smug face faltered for a moment, then twisted into its own snarl. "That's Agent Stoker, twerp." Then he grinned again, reaching towards me. "Need a hand?"

I scowled and slapped his hand away; I'd have trusted a birthday gift from Zim before I trusted Stu to actually be helpful. I climbed shakily to my feet and took a moment to dust off my coat and straighten my glasses. Stu watched me, a tiny little smirk on his face.

Stu. One of my fellow Junior Swollen Eyeball Agents, the only other Eyeball regularly stationed in the city, and, aside from Zim, probably one of the biggest _jerks_ I had ever met in my life. Since the day we'd met he'd done nothing but made fun of me, steal my leads and then lie to the Senior Agents about it. And, just because he managed to have a _little_ better luck than I did with his cases, he always liked to pretend I was some sort of five-year-old idiot.

I glared at him as he watched me straighten my crooked hair, smirking. "What are you doing here anyway, _Stu?_ I was actually having a good day until a second ago."

"What? Not happy to run into a fellow Agent, Dibbers?"

"Well, every time I run into you, you wind up stealing whatever case I'm working on! And that's Agent Mothman, _Stu!_"

"That's Agent Stoker, _Dib!_"

The two of us glared at each other for a long moment; unfortunately I had to glare _up_ to accomplish this, since Stu was three years older and more than a foot taller than me. Man that extra foot annoyed me. Well, _everything_ about him annoyed me, really: his stupid spiked hair, his smarmy little grin, his triumphant dark eyes...and that little beard. _That_ was more annoying than everything else combined; it wasn't even really a beard, it was this little...soul-patch thing, growing right below his bottom lip in this one little annoying tuft. And he was _stroking_ it, _stroking it _like some sort of---stupid movie villain would stroke an _actual_ beard, right there as he glared at me with that smirky little smirk that just made me want to just_---_

"BOO!"

"GAH!"

I jumped; Stu leaned back and snickered, still stroking the tuft of hair. I felt my face begin to burn. "Ah, don't worry, little Dib," Stu mocked. "I'm not here to steal whatever little assignment you're working on this week. What would that be, anyway? Another squirrel you found rummaging through your trash?"

"First of all, that was a chupacabra and you know it! And secondly, I'm working on an _alien_ now, remember?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Still? Huh, normally it only takes you a week to realize your ideas are stupid..."

"_My ideas are not stupid! _And what _are _you doing here, then?!" I demanded, jabbing a finger at him. "Aren't you supposed to be on assignment with some vampires or something, instead of just sneaking around my neighborhood an acting like a jerk?!"

"_Au contraire, _my wittle friend," Stu mocked, twirling his little beard (as I ground my teeth, wanting to _SCREAM_). "I'm here for just that reason."

I raised my eyebrow. "...What do you mean?"

He motioned over to the house nearest to us. I turned---and gaped. The entire front year had about a dozen hovering, human-sized robots floating around, while four more flanked the open front door. (Seriously, how did I miss that?)

"Where did you get an army of robots?!"

"The Network, though I think they actually got them from your dad's company originally. The Senior Agents are willing to dole out resources for _important _matters, you see."

"Important?! Important like what?!"

Stu made a show of examining his fingernails. "Vampires."

"Vampires?!" I stared at him. "You're kidding me, right?! That's just Old Mr. Dunmyer's house!" I let out a harsh laughing. "And you call _me_ stupid, Stu?! And here you are wasting your time going after some completely normal old ma---"

"_AGH!_"

Two more robots had come out of the house, dragging my neighbor between them; however once they pulled him off the front porch into the sunlight he fell to the ground, smoking and rolling around in pain.

I stared. "Let me guess," Stu said, smirking. "It's only _now_ occurring to you that never saw him outside before eight at night?"

"...He said he worked the graveyard shift..."

"_AGH! It burns! It burns with PAIN!_"

Stu snickered, then suddenly jabbed me in the chest; I stumbled backwards several steps. "Well, anyway, my _young_ friend, you really shouldn't be here interfering with _real _paranormal investigation. So why don't you just run along and go back to chasing your little green friend, hmm?"

That snapped me out of my daze; I spun around, narrowing my eyes. "Hey!" I said, speaking loudly over Mr. Dunmyer's screaming (he was now rolling around crazily on the lawn, as the robots chased after him, looking annoyed), "Zim is a lot more of a threat than some measly little vampire!"

"Uh-huh, sure." Stu turned around, waving me away. "Now, if you'll excuse me---"

"Hey! I'm not done here!" I said, grabbing the shoulder of his trench coat and trying to turn him around. But before I could, I suddenly felt something grab _my_ shoulder.

I turned to see one of Stu's robots glaring down at me, tightening its grip. I gulped.

...And _that's_ how I wound up getting thrown a full city block through the air, crashing into a mailbox somewhere on the middle of Baker Street.

_SLAM!_

"_Ugh!_"

I groaned, the mailbox's erect flag digging right into my stomach, puncturing my shirt; I grimaced, the slid off to land on the street again, my head swimming.

"_Ugh..._stupid Stu," I grumbled, climbing to my feet and dusting myself off (again). "I _hate_ that guy! Seriously, _next_ weekend, me and EARL need to work on sending _him _into outer space for a few days! I swear, next Eyeball meeting I oughta---"

Just then my watch began to beep. I gasped and stared down at it. "Oh _crap,_ the call!" I screamed, slapping my head. "_Agh---!_"

I spun around, ran, realized I was going the wrong way, spun _back_ around, and dashed off for home as fast as I could.

* * *

I burst in through the front door, panting. "I'm home!"

"Yaaaay," Gaz drawled sarcastically from the couch, not even looking up from her drawing.

I ignored her tone and ran into the room, glancing down at my watch with a sigh; okay, I made it, I still had about five minutes. I poked my head into the empty kitchen. "Is Dad home?"

"No."

"Is he going to be home anytime soon?"

"I don't _think_ so." She eyed me suspiciously. "_Why?_"

"No reason. I'm just not going to be home for most of the weekend and I wanted to tell him if he's here."

"Oh." She returned to her drawing; I could see now that it was a collection of very creepy looking piggies to add to her endless collection. She spent a moment drawing the fang-like tusks as I turned to go.

"Wait a second," Gaz said suddenly; I turned. She was giving me that suspicious look again. "How do you know you'll be gone most of the weekend? Are you _expecting _Zim to capture you this time or something?"

"What? Oh, no. Zim's out of town. I'm going over to a friend's house."

I turned and ran up the stairs, catching a brief glimpse of her raised eyebrow before she shook her head and turned back to her game.

I burst into my room and quickly glanced at the alarm clock by my bed. Okay, good---okay, good, I wasn't late. That gave me time to pack. I grabbed my backpack, dumped out my skoolbooks (if all the _other _kids could manage to put it off 'til Monday morning there wasn't any reason _I _couldn't manage) and began to toss in spare clothes, a blanket from my bed and a few books and magazines that I thought EARL would find funny. I glanced at my clock again. 11:58...

When the call came I was just coming out of my bathroom with my toothbrush and a bottle of shampoo. (Zim's house had a running shower. Don't ask me why.) I let out a yelp, threw the two items into my bulging backpack and tossed myself into my computer chair, spinning around to face the viewscreen that was now hovering and beeping in the air. I took a deep breath and turned it on; it stopped beeping and a shadowy figure appeared. I saluted. "Agent Mothman reporting, sir!"

"Good afternoon, Mothman," Agent Darkbooty said, his glowing red eyes staring at me through the screen. "What do you have to report?"

I grinned; I could feel my face flush with excitement. "I did it, sir! I got the alien out of his base for the whole weekend!"

"Really?" His eyebrows were invisible in the silhouette, but I could tell they were raised. "That's fairly impressive, Agent Mothman. How did you manage that?"

"Eh, it was pretty easy," I said, smiling. "Zim's not too bright. Anyway, as long as he's gone the base is completely defenseless. I have full access to all his evil plans and stuff. Isn't that great?!"

"Indeed," Agent Darkbooty again; the tone in his voice made my chest feel like it was going to explode. "And what do you intend to do with this limited opportunity?"

"Huh?" My grin shrank slightly. "Oh. I've got plans."

"What kind of plans?"

"Oh, you know...planny plans." I coughed awkwardly. "You know...break into his base, uh...gather some information and stuff."

Darkbooty stared at me for a moment; his eyebrow was raised again, but this time it made me feel queasy. I squirmed in my chair, feeling my face heat up.

"If I recall correctly" Darkbooty looked away slightly; I had a feeling he was reading something off-screen, maybe a transcript of my last report or something "you reported an intelligence gathering not long ago when the alien was off his premises. You didn't gather sufficient evidence of his activities then?"

"Oh---w-well, I was a little busy..." He eyed me strangely. I coughed again. "But I got loads of information then, remember?! I managed to get you all those pictures, all that information about him---"

"Yes," Darkbooty said vaguely. "The pictures of the alien in his larval form were intriguing...assuming they were real."

I blinked. "They were!" I said hotly. "I wouldn't fake something like that! And look!" I slid my chair back and pointed to the computer screen behind me---the desktop picture was one of the ones EARL had given me, showing a younger-looking Zim getting a wedgie from a taller red-eyed Irken, while a purple-eyed Irken stood by laughing hysterically. "I mean, look at that! You can tell from the quality it's real." I grinned again. "Not to mention _hilarious..._"

"Be that as it may, we _were_ hoping for something a bit more..._substantial_ this time. You may never get another chance like this to gather so much evidence."

"Eh, don't be so sure. Like I said, Zim's _pretty _stupid." EARL already had a plan in the works for a fake attack on some planet called Fudcurtia, or something like that, for the next time we wanted him out of our hair.

Darkbooty glared. "He seems to be smart enough to best you a majority of the time," he grumbled.

I jumped up on my chair. "Hey! I---"

"And you should know, I _was_ considering coming with the other Senior Members to observe this alien's base during the course of your investigation."

"---Zim does not best---wait, _WHAT?!_" All indignation died at once; I stared at Darkbooty's black profile, mouth opened. "You---you guys are _coming?! In person?! _You want to see Zim's base?!"

"If you think it is advisable."

For a moment I couldn't answer---I couldn't _breathe, _I could just stare at him wide-eyed and sputter for air. "Y---yes! Yes, of course it's advisable! I totally advise that! You're serious?! You guys want to come and see Zim's house, and all his alien equipment and inventions and---stuff?!"

"Yes. This could be an excellent opportunity, Agent Mothman. If everything you've told us about this alien turns out to be true, this could be our best opportunity to thwart his plans at last and bring an end to his threat...not to mention an unparalleled opportunity to expose extraterrestrial life to the wider public."

"Really?!"

Agent Darkbooty nodded. "Indeed, if this proves as fruitful as you have implied from your _last_ investigation, the Senior Agents and I may even look into promoting your status. Perhaps as high as Full Membership."

"Full---Full---" I sank back into my chair, eyes wide. I suddenly found I couldn't breathe again.

"We will rendezvous with you in two hours' time. Is your headquarters in a secure location?"

"My headquarters?" I broke out of my stupor; what did he mean, the house? I glanced over at my windows, guarded by my dad's best security system and a carefully-placed clove of garlic. "Um, yeah, it's secure! Except from Girly Rangers and door-to-door salesmen, but if we're talking aliens or demons or Santa Claus, yeah, it's totally safe!"

"Alright then. We shall see you soon. Darkbooty out."

The screen went black and sank to the floor. I stared at the empty air in front of me for a moment. Then I leapt onto my bed, punched my fists into the air and let out an almighty cry of joy.

"YES! YES! _YES!_"

I couldn't help it; I was so happy, I started to jump on my mattress and dance with glee. "The Senior Agents agents are coming to investigate Zim's house! And it's _totally defenseless! _Zim won't even be there to try to stop me! And they're going to give me _Full Membership!_ I'm not even a teenager and they're gonna make me a Full Member! Take _that, _Stu! WHOO!"

Something banged loudly from beneath the floorboards. "SHUT UP UP THERE!" Gaz screamed.

I froze, but then cupped my hands over my mouth and began to giggle hysterically. "This is gonna be so _great!_ I gotta---I gotta---" I felt my eyes widen as a realization set in. "I gotta get ready! I gotta---I gotta---I gotta clean the house! Yeah! No, wait, that's for when Grandma visits. I gotta---put up the security system! Get Gaz out of the house! Activate the anti-Santa droids! I gotta---"

_BANG!_ "I SAID, _SHUT UP!_"

I froze (again). "Okay...I gotta _calm down,_" I said, climbing off of the bed and taking my head in my hands. "First thing's first. I gotta---I gotta..." And then it hit me. "I gotta go tell EARL!"

And with that I grabbed my stuff, ran out of my room and took off out of the house.

* * *

**A/N: **First an EARL chapter, now a Dib. My outline would have me keep up this pattern, but I may have to combine EARL and Dib chapters eventually or else EARL's might wind up being really ridiculously short.

Anyway, hope this was good enough to make up for my lateness, and that the whole vampire/robot run-in didn't seem _too _strange, even for the IZ universe. Oh, and for those interested, I've got a picture of Dib and Stu posted on my dA account (remove spaces):

http://joemerl . deviantart . com/art/Dib-vs-Stu-131384170

Please review!


	3. Unwanted House Guests

**Author's Notes:** Well, I officially suck for not updating this since---July?! Practically the end of July, but still. But now I've made this (and "Death of the Dib") my primary projects, so hopefully updates will be a lot faster from now on. Anyway, my sincerest apologies, and I hope you enjoy this new chapter!

* * *

Chapter Three  
Unwanted House Guests

**(EARL)**

_DING-DONG!_

As the doorbell rang, the door to the closet automatically opened as the Robomom came rolling out. I swung open the front door, too, giving her access to the teenaged Bloaty's delivery boy standing on my doorstep.

"Why hello there, little girl!" she said manically, her face a grimace of painful joy. "And is the lady of the house at home?!"

I groaned inwardly as the pizza boy just blinked in confusion, then decided to ignore this strange statement. "I have three large extra-cheese and anchovy pizzas here, that'll be $29.13" he said dully, holding up the boxes.

"Pizzas?! But this isn't Germany!" Robomom cried, waving her arms madly. The pizza boy's eyes widened. "I'm afraid you'll have to---"

Oh, for Irk's---

The Robomom suddenly froze in mid-rant as I overrode her primary systems, suddenly looking out at the pizza boy from her own eyes (well, sensors really). I forced the bot's face into a more normal expression. "Thank you," I said, using her mouth and a calmer version of her own feminine voice. I reached into her tutu and pulled out a large wad of money (as well as some keys and a piece of fake vomit for some reason), stuffing them into the teenager's hands as I took the pizzas from him. "That should cover it. Keep the change!"

"Uh, alright," he said, sounding dazed as he picked out the fake puke and held it out confusedly.

I shut the door and wheeled Robomom over to the kitchen table, depositing the pizzas before shutting her back into her closet. "Well, _that_ was annoying," I grumbled. "I don't know why Zim even keeps those stupid things..."

_KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK!_ "EARL?!"

I jumped---metaphorically speaking---and switched on my outside censors, startled to find that Dib was now standing where the pizza boy had been moments before. "Sorry!" I said quickly, opening the front door for him. "I missed you somehow..."

"That's---fine," Dib gasped, stumbling into the room; he dropped his backpack to the floor, leaning against the armrest of the couch for support. Then he leaned his head back and sniffed. "Is that---pizza? Oh, good, I'm hungry..."

He stumbled into the kitchen and grinned as he opened the box. "Did you run all the way here?" I asked. "You didn't have to."

"Yeah, wut I was wind of in a wush," Dib said, voice muffled as he inhaled his first slice and threw the crust down next to the box, picking up another. He swallowed and grinned. "I have great news, EARL!"

"Really?" I brightened---by which I mean the lights in the house became approximately ten watts brighter as a subconscious response to my interest. "What?"

"Well, see," Dib took a bite of his pizza, "when I went home, I made a quick call to Agent Darkbooty---one of the leaders of the Swollen Eyeballs, you know?"

"Hmm?" Dib had mentioned them before---they were a group of humans like him, fascinated with studying unknown phenomena, which to them meant aliens among other things. I couldn't see what this had to do with us, though.

"Well, see---_mmm,_ oh _man,_ I wish Gaz would let me get anchovies once in a while!---anyway, remember the stuff about Zim that you gave me last time, like some of those old pictures and stuff? Well, I passed some of that stuff along to him, and he and the other Senior Agents _loved_ them!"

"...You did what now?"

"Yeah! And they were _so_ impressed that when I told them Zim's base would be empty, they actually agreed to _come here!_"

"_What?! _Come---come _here?!_"

"Yeah!" Dib's face was a wide, joyous grin as he beamed up at my ceiling, pizza slice still in hand. "They're going to come over and investigate everything---with them here I can totally prove that Zim isn't human!"

"You will?!"

"Yeah! Isn't that great?!"

For a moment I stammered, unable to speak, as Dib stared up at me with glittering eyes and an impossibly wide smile. Finally I found my voice.

"Do you have any idea WHAT ON IRK YOU'VE DONE, YOU LITTLE MEAT-BASED MORON?!"

Dib jumped. "What?!"

The lights momentarily flared red as I felt my tendrils under the floor quiver with anger; on pure instinct some of the weapons hidden among the ceiling wires began to warm up. "How could you---why would you---what is _wrong_ with you?!" I raged, as Dib took several steps back, eyes wide.

"What?! What did _I _do?!" Dib cried, backing up until he hit the counter---which of course made no real sense, but then people were _always_ forgetting my omnipresence.

"What did you _do?!_ What do you _think you did?!_" My garbage disposal suddenly activated, making Dib jump and scurry across the room. "You invited an entire gang of Swollen Eyeball Agents here, you little hairless primate!"

"But---but EARL," Dib said, backing up again, this time into the living room, "what was I suppose to do, huh?! This is the perfect chance for me to expose Zim to the world! And with all his base's defenses down---"

"All his---_ALL HIS---_"

I let out a scream of frustration, and with barely a thought I sent one of the ceiling tendrils down, grabbing him by the back of his coat before he had time to do anything more than cry out. "_Agh! EARL!_ Let me go!" he screamed, thrashing his arms and legs as I held him halfway between my ceiling and floor.

"_FINE!_"

I threw open the front door, drew my tendril back and threw him with all my might.

"_Aaaggghhh!_"

Dib slammed into the walk in the yard, tumbling for a moment before coming to a stop on the lawn. He sat up, spitting grass out as he held up the pizza slice he had been holding this whole time. "Ew," he muttered, seeing the grass and dirt stuck all over it.

I slammed my door. Loudly. Dib turned around and jumped to his feet, running back to the stoop.

_BANG BANG BANG! _"EARL! EARL, open up!" _BANG BANG!_ "Come on, EARL! Let's talk about this! I don't understand!"

I watched through my outer sensors as he continued to knock on the door, and then, when that proved futile, kicked it before crossing his arms moodily over his chest.

Growling to myself, I activated the lawn gnomes.

"_Agh! Yow! Ouch! DANG IT!_"

The gnomes chased Dib to the edge of the yard while he fled, screaming under the barrage of laser fire. Zim would have cracked up to see it---and at the moment, I thought, I could almost see why.

Almost. If I wasn't so _pissed._

I turned my attention back inside the base, seething. "That---little---_jerk!_" I snarled, the lights flickering again in anger. "I mean, how could he do that?! Just---total disregard---just like---_ER!_"

A warning suddenly flashed through my internal monitors that I was almost overheating; I growled and forced myself to calm down, increasing my ventilation systems to help cool myself. Besides, I had to think for a moment---figure out what I was going to do to that little so-called friend---

No! No, that wasn't it, I realized. I had to think about what I was going to do about this situation.

I paused for a moment; what would happen now? Dib had invited those stupid Agents over on the idea that "Zim's base" would be empty and defenseless; would they still be coming now, would Dib take the hint that I wasn't going to roll over and let them all inside? Would he be able to deny them if he did? Should I lock all the doors, put the gnomes on high alert, take more extreme measures---what do I do, try to repel them, destroy them, make everything look as normal as possible? I had no idea what the best course of action was, and if I chose wrong, oh would Zim ever let me hear about it when he got back. Assuming I wasn't dismantled before he got the chance, of course.

"Oh, _stupid fragging Dib!_" I raged again, the tendrils in my ceiling tightening as if around his scrawny little Dib-neck. "Why should I have to deal with this _NOW?!_ I finally get one stupid weekend without Zim around, without GIR or Minimoose, one _stupid_ weekend to just relax and have fun---I order him a stack of freaking _pizzas,_ and now they're just going to sit there and get cold with _no one_ to eat them, and now I'm just here _talking to myself_ like he does because I'm all alone---"

Hmm. Wait.

I paused, considering for a moment; a bizarre idea had just occurred, and incredibly _stupid_ idea, which might work but which, I also knew, was definitely _not_ the best idea I could possibly devise. Certainly not the one Zim would have liked, except for the fact that it really would really tick off Dib.

Hmm. Two perfectly good reasons to try it, actually.

I activated the phone. "Now what's Keef's number...?" I muttered, accessing my data files of the kids in Zim's class.

* * *

**(DIB)**

"I mean, what is _with_ him?!" I screamed, throwing out my arms and accidentally hitting another pedestrian in the arm. "To just---freak out like that?! He wouldn't even stop and explain why he was so upset, instead he just _throws me out_ like some sort of---_Zim _or something! He never acts like such a _jerk_ when we're alone, the lousy pile of nuts and bolts..."

Ahead of me, a mother crossed the street with her children while eying me nervously. I was dimly aware of how crazed I must have looked at the moment---covered with dirt, clothes disheveled and the tip of my trademark cowlick still smoking slightly, but I didn't care, I had just been screamed at by one of my best friends for no reason, thrown out on my face and then attacked by psychotic, laser-blasting lawn ornaments, I was in _no _mood for anyone's crud.

"And now my whole plans for the weekend are shot," I grumbled, pulling my key out as I reached the top of my own stoop. "And half my stuff got left at Zim's house, how I'll get my laptop back and everything...grr, I don't know how things could get any worse..."

I opened the door. "Gaz, I'm home," I called dully, trudging towards the stairs.

"Agent Mothman?"

I spun around and jumped halfway to the ceiling. "_Agh! Agent Darkbooty!_"

He rose out of the chair, walking towards me. Agent Disembodied Head was already standing behind the couch, looking annoyed (as he usually did). Agent Nessie turned but remained sitting on the couch. Gaz was sitting beside him, playing her Game Slave as though nothing out of the ordinary was happening.

"Agent Mothman," Darkbooty said, extending his hand to me. "A pleasure to meet you in person."

"S-same here," I said, looking up at him as I felt the blood drain from my face. I had (probably) met him once before, when one of Zim's plans had forced me to get help from NASAPlace; and while that one chance meeting had allowed me to see his face, at the moment he and the other Agents were still hidden, veiled in a shadow that somehow seemed to follow him across my well-lit living room. It reminded me eerily of Ms. Bitters; when I shook his hand I was half-surprised my own hand didn't pass through it.

"You were supposed to be here before us," Agent Disembodied Head grunted, picking annoyedly at a spot on the back of the couch.

"Tut-tut, li'l Dibbers," a familiar voice said, making me jump again. "Not a good idea to keep your superiors waiting."

I spun around. "_Stu?!_"

He was sitting in the second armchair, twirling his little beard with one hand while giving a little wave with the other. "Short time no see." Unlike the others he appeared normal, which unfortunately meant I could see the nasty little smirk on his stupid little face. "And you really should address your superiors by their proper title, _Dib._"

I scowled. "'Superior?' Being _older_ doesn't make you my boss, moron! We have the same rank."

"Actually, Agent Mothman, after Agent Stoker's impressive capture of a Class Two vampire earlier today, me and the other Senior Partners decided to reward him with Full Membership status."

I spun around, staring at Darkbooty with utter horror. "_WHAT?!_"

He nodded. "For a temporary trial period. Before we make a full decision."

"Though it would be hard for us not to extend it, given Agent Stoker's fine work," Agent Nessie added.

"But---that was supposed to be _my_ reward..."

Stu snickered behind me. I felt my lip curl into an unconscious sneer as my hands balled into fists. "Well what is he doing in my _house?_" I asked, doing my best to talk calmly through gritted teeth.

"Since Agent Stoker works in the area anyway, we thought we would invite him to help with the evaluation of your find."

"Stu---_Stu_ is going to be evaluating _me---_?!"

I spun around to face him again---Stu's face was twisted into a look of pure triumph, his finger still making circles through that horrible little goatee of his. At this point I felt blood drip down my palm from my own fingernails digging into my skin.

"And speaking of your discovery, we've wasted enough time here," Agent Darkbooty said, straightening out his clothes (which, in silhouette form, seemed perfectly fine as they were). "Let's go and see this alien base of yours."

"What?!" My eyes widened. "But---"

"But what, '_Agent Mothman?_'" Stu mocked, making air quotations.

Darkbooty seemed to frown. "Is there a problem?"

"Well---y-you see---"

"Didn't you assure us the alien's base was defenseless?" Agent Nessie asked. He was glancing sideways at Gaz as he spoke, apparently wondering why she was ignoring everyone, and she narrowed her eyes ever so slightly, letting them slide towards him in a dangerous glare.

"Well, it's just---um, you see---" I looked around wildly, my eyes finally stopping on Gaz's Poop Cola can on the coffee table. "Uh, wouldn't you all like a drink first?!" I suggested wildly. "You must have been waiting here for a while, I'm sorry, me or Gaz should have offered you something!"

"_Grrr..._"

"Um, _I_ should have offered you something! Here, let me get you some Poops!"

Disembodied Head crossed his arms. "Hey! We ain't got time for socializing, we got places to be!"

"Actually I _am_ a little parched," Nessie said, turning away from Gaz towards me.

"Well I guess _I_ could go for some coffee," Stu said. His eyes turned, lizard-like, towards me, and I could tell from his smirk that he was enjoying my nervousness immensely.

"Great!" I said, edging away towards the kitchen. "I'll, uh---just go get us some drinks, then! I'll be right back---heh-heh---"

"Just don't give away any of the root beer," Gaz muttered, as I hurried into the kitchen.

I jumped on the footstool by the counter and turned on the coffeemaker, searching frantically through the cabinets. "Okay, okay Dib," I muttered, "I just gotta stall them. Just stall them for now, and then...well, then hope you come up with a better idea while you're stalling."

"Could I get some cream in that coffee, Dibbers?" Stu called from the next room, finishing it off with a vicious little snicker.

I groaned, hitting my head against the counter in frustration. "There goes that promotion," I muttered.

* * *

**A/N:** I was seriously debating spelling it "rute bere." Just so you know.

Anyway, another long-neglected story updated...I'll get started on my "Death of the Dib" update shortly. Until then, please review! :-)


	4. Expelled

**Author's Notes:** Well, I told people I would get this done before my semester starts again, and look! I've got it done not just the day before I go back, but the _day before that!_ I choose to use this fact to pretend I've actually been working hard on this instead of putting it off for two months. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Four  
Expelled

**(EARL)**

_Riiiing...riiiing---_

_Click!_

"Hello?"

"Hello, Keef? I mean---_ahem_---hello, Keef-hyuman?"

The boy gasped, startled by my new, phony voice. "_Zim?!_ Is that really you?!"

"Yes, I AM ZIM!" I cried dramatically, in what basically amounted to a perfect recording of Zim's own deluded ranting. "And I am calling, pathetic, uh...pig-worm, in answer to your previous communication today."

"Huh?"

"Silence, stupid Keef-monster!" I said, in an attempt to both pass as a reasonable Zim _and_ save some of my very-limited time. "Now I have decided that despite _all_ my previous claims to hating you and wanting you to be eaten by wolves or whatever, that I actually _do_ wish to be your friend again and hang out and all that stuff. I AM ZIM!"

The insane little human gasped so hard I half-expected to discover he had accidentally inhaled his phone. "_Really?!_ Oh man, Zim, you won't regret this, I promise you! Oh, this is going to be so much fun! We can go for go-kart rides and go sky-diving and sniff some roller-skates and set things on fire and---"

"Yes, yes, that sounds wonderful, I AM ZIM! In fact, that sounds _so_ wonderful that we should do it---_right now!_"

"Really?!"

"Yes, really, ugly little stink-whatever! But let's do even _better _than that! Remember that one time you tried to throw me a party before?"

"Yeah-huh?!"

"Let's do that again! I want you to call absolutely _everybody_---and have _them_ call everybody too, by Irk get everyone in this whole smelly city if you can! Call them here so we can fill the house up. _That'll_ show Dib for trying to screw me over, won't it?!"

"Oh, it sure will!" Keef squealed, apparently not listening very closely to what I was saying. "Oh my gosh, I'll call _everybody---_Melvin and Gretchen and Zita and Matthew P. Matherson III and Brian and Aki and Sara and my cousin Oliver and this guy I met at the bus stop and my old friend Todd from kindergarten and this weird guy who lives next door to him and that hobo and my Aunt Kathie and her new boyfriend and his baby's mama and did I mention Sara yet and _oh_, I know someone special I want to invite, my new gir---"

"Yes, yes, wonderful! Just do it and do it quickly, Keef-monster-worm-cow-thingy-beast! And remember, I AM ZIM!"

"Don't worry, I will, bestest buddy! Bye Zim!"

_Click!_ The phone line disconnected. I switched my voice back to normal and let out a small, mirthless chuckle.

"Well, Dib, if _you_ want to bring people over, I suppose you won't mind if _I_ invite a few guests as well, huh? _Heh-heh-heh..._"

* * *

**(DIB)**

"And so, um---_here's, _uh, more evidence that I---sort of collected---um, in this slide you can sort of see Zim's, uh, dog---well, his robot that's _pretending_ to be a dog---through the window, and, uh---a-as you can see, it's playing a Game Slave. Most dogs don't do that, right?! So, this proves---"

"Agent Mothman?"

I jumped. "Y-yes, Agent Darkbooty?"

"This is all very fascinating, but we've already reviewed this evidence _extensively._ The reason we came here was to see the alien's _actual_ base."

"Oh." I fiddled with my pointer, shutting the slide projector off. "Well, um..."

"You're wasting our time!" Agent Disembodied Head exploded, making the bird on his shoulder squawk with indignation. "Why you doin' that?!"

"Yeah, Dib," Stu said mockingly, still leaning back in the armchair and twirling that horrible little soul patch again. "Why you doin' that?"

"He's stalling. Duh," Gaz muttered, never taking her eyes off of her game. Agent Nessie jumped slightly; he was still glancing out of the corner of his eye at her every minute or so. He probably thought she was some kind of a baby troll or something. (I'd actually made that mistake once or twice myself.)

"Stalling?" Darkbooty's glowing red eyes shifted to me. "For what?"

"What?! No. Stalling?! Why would I be stalling?! I just want to, um---m-make sure you guys are all caught up to date. I mean, um---_Stu _here at least hasn't ever seen my data before!" I said, pointing at him wildly.

"Actually I have, I have Moderate-Level Access to the S.E.N. Database," Stu said, making a show of wiping his fingernails on his shirt.

I blinked. "_What?!_ But _I _only have Lower-Level Access, I've been trying to get updated for years---"

"Agent Mothman!" I winced; Darkbooty leaned forward, his glowing red eyes burning right through me. "The other Senior Agents and I do not have time to review old evidence. Now, unless you want us to cancel our investigation---"

"_No!_"

"---then I recommend you cut these shenanigans and take us to this alien base!"

I felt a bead of sweat fall down my neck as I looked from Darkbooty's stern face to Disembodied Head's openly hostile glare. Stu gave a smarmy smirk, still twirling his stupid hairy-face thing. Agent Nessie, meanwhile, seemed to be ignoring everything, slowly reaching out to poke Gaz experimentally on the head. She sensed him and turned with a quiet fury on her face, and he quickly withdrew his hand and began whistling innocently.

I turned back to Darkbooty, gulping. "N---no sir, Agent Darkbooty. W-we can go see the alien base now."

"_Finally,_" Disembodied Head grumbled, throwing his arms into the air as Darkbooty rose from his seat. Stu, however, just grinned wider as he got up and walked by me, watching me shrewdly.

_EARL, _please _just go along with this,_ I begged silently, following them out the door.

* * *

As soon as the S.E.N.'s nondescript gray truck (helpfully marked NONDESCRIPT GRAY TRUCK---DO NOT NOTICE!) pulled up to Zim's base, I heard a sound that made my stomach drop into my boots.

"Is that music I hear?" Agent Nessie asked, cupping his ear as his glowing eyes narrowed in a frown.

"Uh...heh-heh..."

I looked out the truck window towards the windows of Zim's base---I could see numerous silhouette's moving as loud music pulsed out into the streets. "Oh, what the..."

The other Agents glared at me suspiciously (or, in Stu's case, mockingly) as we clambered out of the truck and made our way tentatively towards the house. I winced as we passed through the gate, half because I expected the gnomes to attack us and half because I heard a crash from inside that sounded like a lamp breaking. I stole another look at the windows, noting the shapes of numerous people inside. "What the heck is going on?" I whispered to myself as my heart began to hammer.

I led the way to the front stoop and froze as the other Agents (still looking bizarrely shadowed despite the bright afternoon sun) stood behind me, waiting. I reached out for the doorbell, trembling; I paused an inch away from it and stood frozen on the spot, until I heard Agent Disembodied Head clear his throat impatiently behind me. I released a repressed breath and closed my eyes, ringing it and not knowing what to expect.

_Ding-dong!_

A second later I heard the door open. "Ah! _Dib-friend!_" said a familiar, yet oddly genial, voice. "And you've brought guests! How _wonderful!_"

I opened my eyes and dropped my jaw, horrified. "_ZIM?!_"

The horrible green monster---dressed in his usual human disguise---merely cocked his head to one side, smiling at me. "Yes, hello! I am Zim," he said calmly, turning now to address himself to the other Agents. "Please to meet you all!"

"_I thought you said the alien wouldn't be home!_" Darkbooty hissed, leaning down to whisper into my ear.

"I, uh---I---"

"Alien? Oh---" Zim suddenly began laughing, a normal, very un-maniacal laugh while making a slight motion like he was about to punch me on the shoulder. "You told them about our little playground games, did you, Dib? Well anyway, don't you all just stand there on the front step, silly Earth-friends! Come in!" Zim said, opening the door wider as he stood back and extended his arm. "You're just in time for the party!"

"_Party?!_"

Agent Disembodied Head growled and pushed me aside, leading the way into the house with a smirking Stu, quizzical Nessie and glaring Darkbooty following behind him. I ran in after them and looked around, my eyes going wide.

Zim's living room had somehow grown four or five times its normal size, and the entire room was filled with---_people!_ Kids from skool, kids who looked like they went to Hi Skool, men and women in their twenties or thirties, middle-aged and even a few old people, dressed in everything from fancy silk suits to rags---dozens and dozens of people milling around the room, dancing, talking and laughing, while a huge stereo system set against one wall blared out trendy music that made _me_ want to tear out my hair, never mind Zim with his aversion to all human culture.

"Wha---what the---whoosa-jigga---"

"Agent Mothman," Darkbooty said slowly, his voice obviously holding back a _lot _of repressed rage, "what is going on here?!"

"I don't---know, Agent Darkbooty. I---the alien was gone earlier! And I---I don't---_party_ and---"

"Make yourselves at home!" Zim said, with a wide and very un-Zimmish grin. "The party's _just _started, and we're hoping to go _all night_ if we can! Refreshments are over there near the stereo. We have lots of pizza! And I _know_ how much you love anchovies, Dib," Zim added, his smile becoming more happy and stupid.

Another loud crash sounded somewhere nearby. Zim turned. "Oops! Better go deal with that!" he said cheerfully, marching away.

"Wait---you come back here!" I called instinctively, beginning to chase after him.

I felt somebody grab my arm. "_Stop right there,_ Mothman!"

I froze, then slowly turned to see Agent Darkbooty glowering down at me. The other Agents stood behind him, fury radiating from each shadowy face---except for Stu, of course, who was rubbing his hands together, a look of triumph in his eyes.

"L---look," I said quickly, pulling my arm away from Darkbooty and wringing my hands, "I-I can explain---"

"We are past the time for that, Agent Mothman," Darkbooty said, waving his hand to cut me off. "I have always believed you to be a trustworthy Agent---always believed that if nothing else, you _at least _took our work seriously, that you actually _cared _about the work our organization does in the service of mankind---"

"I _do---_"

"But _now,_ when I put my utmost faith in you, you call me and my fellow Senior Agents here and lead us on a---a wild goose chase, bringing us to some sort of a---_house party_ when you assured us proof of an actual alien base---"

"No, Agent Darkbooty, please, it's not _like_ that---"

"---and this, Mothman, is the final straw!" Agent Darkbooty said, taking an ominous step forward. "This time, I have no choice but to---_agh_---"

He stumbled, and suddenly his entire frame flickered---the shadowy visage disappeared, revealing an elderly man in a janitor's outfit. He was wearing something like a wristwatch that was beeping and sparking. I blinked as his eyes widened.

"Oh crud---" Darkbooty took a moment to press some buttons on his watch, and then suddenly the black shadows were back up again. I continued to gape for a moment as he looked sheepishly back at me. Behind him Agent Nessie sighed, slapping one hand to his forehead.

"Ahem. Anyway," Darkbooty muttered, trying to play as if nothing had just happened, "this is the final straw, Mothman. After all your failures in the past, Agent Mothman, and in light of this _spectacular _fiasco, I have no choice---"

"No, no, please Agent Darkbooty, I can---"

"---but to _expel_ you from our organization."

"_What?!_"

My mouth fell open; my arms suddenly went slack, falling by my sides. For a second I could only stare at him and sputter.

"E-e-e-e---_expel?_" I whispered.

"Yes. You have left me without further options, Agent Mothman."

"I think you mean just 'Dib' now," Stu added helpfully, looking like he was about to wet his pants from excitement.

"Yeah. And good riddance," Disembodied Head added, nodding at the younger Agent. "Hey, that refreshment table got chicken wings?"

"Ooh, I think so."

"But---but---"

Disembodied Head and Nessie both walked off towards the food table; I was left just staring at Darkbooty, unable to think straight.

"But---but---you _can't---_please, sir, I---I_---_"

"I'm sorry, but you have made a fool of the Swollen Eyeballs one too many times, Mothman," Darkbooty said gravely. "We cannot tolerate fun and games when the fate of the world is on the line. Perhaps one day, you'll realize just how _serious_ our job is, and have the dignity and maturity to---"

"Well hey there," a random woman from the crowd said, stepping forward and giving Darkbooty's beard a playful pet. "What's your name?"

Darkbooty blinked and stuttered, "Uh---I'm sorry, who are you?"

"Just a girl looking for someone tall, dark and handsome, and you're...at least _two _out of the three," she shrugged, putting one arm around him. "Wanna dance?"

"Well, um, I---I guess _one_ dance would be alright..."

The woman led Darkbooty off; I was still too stunned to do much more than stare at them. Stu, the only other Agent left---including myself, I thought with what felt like a stab in the heart---sauntered over to me, smirking.

"Well, this has been a _very_ good day for me, wouldn't you say? I got a promotion...and _you're_ out of the organization! Ha ha!" He gave me a faux-playful slap on the back that was about twice as hard as it should have been. "Thanks for the plus-one by the way, _Dibbers._ Heh-heh-heh-heh..."

He snickered and walked off into the crowd. I could feel my eye start to twitch, but my arms and legs still felt frozen.

Then I turned slowly and saw Zim behind me, watching me out of the corner of one violet eye as he disappeared down a hallway near the speakers (apparently a part of the house's sudden new design).

Something in my brain snapped, bringing me out of my stupor.

"_Zim---_"

I took off running after him, hands balling into fists, my teeth clenched so tight I thought they might break right in my mouth. I spun around the corner to see him sauntering casually down the empty hallway, which, I vaguely noted, didn't seem to have any doors but one at the far end.

"_ZIM!_"

If he heard either my scream or my footsteps, he didn't show any sign---he just walked at a steady pace, making it easy for me to run right up to him. "You stop right there, you little asshoooh _what?!_"

I grabbed his arm to stop him---only to find my fingers pass right through it as if it were air. I jumped back, eyes widening, as Zim turned around, a mirthless smile on his face and a sinister twinkling in his eyes.

"A---hologram," I muttered, my brain working at half the normal speed. "Uh---_EARL?!_"

"Well, _DUH,_ you ugly little primate," "Zim" sneered, spinning around---the weird "happy Zim" voice was gone now, with EARL's own hollow droll coming from the faux-alien's mouth. Then he snickered. "What'samatter? I mean, just because _we're_ not going to spend the weekend together doesn't mean I can't call some other friends, does it?"

I was stunned again, but only for a second. "Of _course._ I should have known!" I said, pointing at him accusingly. "You---_you_ did this, didn't you?! You actually---what, created a whole room full of holographic people just to make me look stupid in front of the other Agents?!"

"Oh, the people are _real,_" EARL!Zim sneered, suddenly taking a step towards me. "_Your_ kind of real, know what I'm saying?!"

"Huh---what? What---whatever! Do you have any idea what you've done, EARL?! You just got me kicked out of the Swollen Eyeballs! How could you---"

"Let's get one thing straight here, _Dib!_" EARL screamed, taking another step forward---instinctively I took a step back, then another as he advanced further. "You are on _my_ turf now! Literally. So don't you dare come inside of _me_ and act indignant, just because I won't be your little trained Slor-beast in the Vortian circus!"

"But you---"

"You think I care that those stupid Agents kicked you out?! I don't give a _schiztarg! You're_ the ones who brought them over! Maybe next time, you should check to make sure your little 'projects' are ready before turning them in for a grade!"

"_Agh!_"

I took another step backwards and ran into the wall. EARL!Zim leaned forward, his holographic eyes revealing just as much fury as I had ever seen from Zim.

"I am not your pet, you little monkey! You do not invite other people inside of _me_ and then try to tell me what to do! I will do _what_ I want, _when_ I want. _Got it?!_"

He jabbed a finger at me---only for it to pass through my shirt and disappear, painlessly, into my chest. Both of us just stared down at it for a moment, before EARL hastily removed it and walked away, leaving me to stare after him.

"Enjoy the party," he growled, looking back at me angrily. Then Zim's frame turned to static and vanished from sight.

* * *

**A/N:** Well, there _was_ a reason for the title of this story. XD Anyway, I'll try to get the next chapter up soon, which _should_ have that very-little bit of romance I mentioned in the summary. I hope you all enjoyed this one, and please leave reviews!


	5. Party Poopers

**Author's Notes:** Somehow, without intending to, I've gone more than six months without updating this fic or "Death of the Dib." How did that happen? Anyway, here's your update, finally; I hope you enjoy the craziness and cartoon physics. ;-)

* * *

Chapter Five  
Party Poopers

**(EARL)**

I "left" Dib, shifting my attention to the rest of the house.

I had to chuckle as I surveyed my work—the kitchen had been eliminated in favor of a much-larger living room, in addition to expanding the walls in all four directions, taking up as much of the spare lot possible without looking too conspicuous. And with Keef's help I had managed to gather quite a crowd, allowing for (I did a quick scan) over a hundred people inside the crowded space. Not bad for an hour's work.

I examined the crowd through multiple sensors—I was surprised by how many guests there were, and the variety—a much bigger turnout than from the _last_ time Keef had tried to throw Zim a party, but it suited by needs just fine. I spotted the Swollen Eyeballs in the crowd, two gorging themselves on snack foods, while the third danced with a random female guest and the smeet-Agent tried (unsuccessfully) to court some others his own age. None of them seemed at all interested in investigating into Dib's stories further.

I laughed. "Well, there go your little _plans,_" I said (making sure to keep my voice confined to my empty lower floors). "Didn't think I would do _that, _did you? _That'll _show you, _won't it,_ Zim? I mean—uh, Dib? _Won't it? MWA-HA-HA-HA_—"

_RIIING!_

"Oh, what the flarkin'-"

_Incoming phone call..._grumbling I intercepted it, switching voices again. "Hello, I AM ZIM! Whuddya want?"

"Hey! _Hey!_"

I sighed. "Oh, great." It was Mr. Pitterman, one of our even-stupider-than-usual neighbors. "Yes?"

"_Hey!_ This is Mis-ter Pitter-man, and I wanna know what the 'ell's goin' on over there?"

"Well—"

"It's too loud! _Hey!_ Why's it so loud? How am I s'pos'ta—s'pose'ta sleep when you're making so much _racket_ all the time? Do you have any idea what time it is? !"

I checked my chronometer. "Um...three PM?"

"A-_zact_ly! What you doin' makin' so much noise at this hour, huh? _Hey!_"

"_Ugh..._" How was I going to deal with this? "We were just...playing a little music over here, sir. I AM ZIM."

"Music? I hate music! Why'd you want to do that, huh? _Hey!_"

"We're just—having a party, sir. I mean, filthy pig-sir. A smelly-pig-doom-party!" I added, trying to sound as manic as I could.

"A party?"

"Yeah..." My voice slipped somewhat in my annoyance, but I quickly corrected it.

"You're throwin' a party? !"

"_Yes..._"

I heard the sound of a bang, and I imagined him slamming his thin, bony fist into the table. "Well, why the 'ell wasn't I invited then? !"

"_What? !_"

"What, you don't think _I_ like to party? Why the 'ell'd you throw a party and not invite me over? !"

A beat passed. "Because...I hate you? And...you smell like feet ointment?"

"_Hey!_ My _fungal_ problems are not the topic at hand here!" the old hick yelled, and suddenly I felt my circuits begin to heat up. "Now what do you think you're doing interrupting _my_ sleep, and not even having the _consideration_ to invite me over to your—"

"OH WILL YOU SHUT UP, YOU IMBECILIC MORON?"

Mr. Pitterman gasped, then sputtered angrily for a moment. "_Hey!_ What did you just say to me, boy? !"

"I SAID YOU'RE A PATHETIC OLD COOT WITH THE IQ OF A GARDEN HOSE, you idiotic _freak!_ Why, if Zim had one-tenth of a brain cell, he could have at _least_ wiped your house off the planet the first time you ever called here! Now _FLARG ON,_ you insipid _hick!_"

"Why you little—I intend to call the police on yo-"

I broke the connection before letting out a roar of rage. "_Why that stupid old_—"

_BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP-_

I suddenly became aware of my internal thermometer going off; I froze, then started as I realized that my circuits had reached near-critical levels. "Oh Irk," I muttered, and quickly activated emergency measures to cool them down. I sighed as they ticked on—I hadn't even been aware how hot I was...

Huh...that was the second time today...I paused for a moment, then set on a system diagnostic on my temperature controls. Hopefully nothing was wrong there. It might explain something, though...I was feeling...hmm, _odd_ now that I thought of it.

Hmm.

Oh well. It probably wasn't important, I thought, forcing it and Mr. Pitterman out of my running memory banks.

If anything, it was _Dib_ I should be worrying about...

* * *

**(DIB)**

"EARL? _EARL?_"

I spun around, trying to find some trace of him, but he was gone. "Hey! Get back here! Or—whatever! Where did you—"

I turned again, and suddenly saw a small group of younger kids who had wandered into the hallway from the party. They were all looking at me like I was insane.

I growled, throwing up my hands. "_MOVE!_" I snapped, pushing past them and storming back into the living room.

"Weirdo," one of them muttered as I stomped around the corner.

I rejoined the party, and the sight of so many people and so much bad music made me grab my hair in anger. "_GAH!_" I yelled, barely able to hear my own voice. "Look at this! All I wanted to do was show this place to the Eyeballs, and now look how many people—"

I froze. Hey, wait a minute...my mind began to whirl. Zim's house was full of people. My eyes widened. This...this wasn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, this was a perfect opportunity! So what if the Eyeballs hadn't believed me? I was still here, in the house, so I could _show_ them! I could show _everyone!_ I just needed to find some way to get around EARL's stupid plan—it wasn't even a very _smart _plan now that I thought of it, didn't he realize how he was making this place even _more_ exposed? Granted, he had the advantage—he controlled everything in the house, and he was probably watching me even now, bit if I could find a way to get by his detectors, get some other people downstairs into Zim's actual base—

Suddenly I felt somebody grab the collar of my coat.

"_Agh!_"

"Hey, I found somebody!" my captor called, dragging me behind him through the crowd.

"_Wha—_" I twisted my head around to catch a glimpse of Chunk's orange hair. "Let go of me!" I said, trying to gain some traction with my feet. "Where are you—_agh!_"

Chunk pulled me over to a group of other kids, largely giggling girls, standing by the closet door. "Hey, Dib!" Jessica teased as I struggled against Chunk's grasp. "Wanna play Seven Minutes in Heaven?"

"Seven Minutes in—_what?_" I froze in Chunk's gasp, actually feeling all the blood drain from my face.

"Yeah!" Zita snickered. "We need a partner for Morla!"

She moved to the side to allow a clear view of Morla, who grinned at me and made kissing smacks with her lips. I recoiled. Morla was...not a pretty sight.

"Um—no thanks, I—really have somewhere else to—let go!" I struggled to get out of Chunk's grasp, but he spun me around and grabbed my arms, pinning them to my side. "_Agh_—no way! I'm not going in that closet!"

"Heh, I think he'd have to come _out_ of it first," somebody snickered.

Several of the girls laughed and Morla's horribly kissy grin grew wider as Zita opened the closet door. "Aw, don't be shy, Dib! Just _pucker up_ and—"

"HELLO, CHILDRENS!"

"_Agh!_"

Several kids jumped back as Zim's robotic parents suddenly flung themselves out into the living room, throwing Zita to the ground. "Oh, look at you!" the fake mom said, picking her up in her gloved hands. "Aren't you just so precious? ! I just wanta _squeeze you like a pimple!_"

"_Agh,_ you're hurting me—"

"Ooh, let me help, honey-poop!"

"_Agh!_"

The kids began to scatter as the robotic dad tried to scoop up a collection of children for himself, and in the confusion Chunk dropped me, allowing me to quickly slipped away while the robot grabbed him and began to bang him violently against the wall. I escaped into the crowd, most of whom seemed to show little interest in some so-called "adults" attacking a group of children five feet away—if they noticed at all.

I gasped, coming to a stop. I looked back at them, then scanned the crowd—the Eyeballs, where were they? ! Maybe if they saw those insane robots, they would realize that—

"_Oof!_"

Trying to think over the cacophony, I hadn't noticed when some stupid dancer slammed into me and sent me stumbling to the side. Before I could even steady myself someone _else _slammed into me from the _other_ direction, and then _another_ dancer—

"Oh! Ow! _Darn it, stop!_"

The whole room was too crowded, I could barely _move _without somebody slamming into me—I tried to escape from the throngs of dancers, but near the edge of the crowd I just got shoved again and suddenly slammed into the massive speakers standing against the wall. Fortunately, it was at just the moment when the stupid song that was playing finally came to an end.

I had one second to peel my face away from the speakers and sigh with relief before another, much _louder_ song started.

I'm pretty sure that anything that loud _should_ have made me go deaf, but not much else. But instead the sound wave hit me like a seismic force, blasting me off my feet and sending my flying backwards through the air.

"_Aaaggghhh!_"

I flew back through the crowd (somehow not hitting _anybody_ this time), right towards the front door, which opened just as I was about to hit it.

"_Oof!_"

I slammed into somebody just as they entered the room, knocking both of us onto the floor.

I groaned and sat up on the man's chest, my head spinning and my glasses skewed. I barely had time to straighten them before I was suddenly jolted into the air by my arm, held off my feet by an angry, leering man in a police uniform.

"Hey, kid. What you doing attacking my partner here? !"

"_Huh?_"

I looked down as the man I had slammed into—another cop—glared up at me. His partner shook me, skewing my glasses again. "You think it's a good idea to attack a police officer, do ya? !"

"But I didn't—no, I just—"

"Looks like the old guy was right, we got a real mob goin' on here," the officer continued, surveying the scene. "Lou, get the handcuffs. This little ruffian'll be the first delinquent we—"

"Honey, go long!"

I heard Zim's fake mom yell from somewhere nearby, but I didn't have enough time to twist around and find her before the cop suddenly let out a cry and dropped me, Chunk having just come flying through the air to slam into his head. I fell onto my feet (making the other officer groan as I landed on his chest again), looked around wildly, then jumped off the cop and went running again, ducking into the crowd.

"Hey! Somebody stop that kid!"

"Good throw, honey!" the robot dad said as I ran past him, flashing his "wife" a grin and what I presumed to be a thumbs-up with his metal claw.

I groaned, glancing over my shoulder and trying to lose the recovering cops in the crowd. "This isn't gonna be easy, is it...?"

* * *

**A/N: **No, Dib. No it's not. Did you really expect it to be?

This was sort of filler, I'll admit, but the next chapter should have more "plot" in it. I hope you enjoyed, and please review!


	6. Flushed

**Author's Notes:** I've been writing this chapter off and on forever, and it's frankly shameful that I'm so late in getting it up. But it's my birthday, so _you_ all get this as a present. I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Chapter Six  
Flushed

**(EARL)**

"Heh...run, you filthy little primate. Run like the, uh—filthy little primate that you are! Or...something."

I watched Dib duck into the crowd to evade the police officers, chuckling at his misfortune—I mean, really, I had hardly expected that factor to work out in my _favor._ Well, even a broken chronometer was right once a day. Unless it also gave the date or something.

I was probably over-thinking my metaphors.

I suddenly felt the diagnostic on my temperature control systems finish. Turning attention away from my sensors, I quickly read the results. _Hmm..._well, my temperature controls were fine themselves, nothing there...but there _did_ seem to be some sort of problem, a programming error in my central processor somewhere. It seemed to be effecting my heating functions...in fact...I followed the trail...it seemed to be effecting...

I metaphorically choked. What on Irk? !

Huge lines of corrupted data—whole programs rewritten—some sort of encoding I couldn't seem to distinguish! Huge damages to my information processing apparent at a glance, without even running a check to see the full extent of what had been disrupted.

What _happened_ here? !

I realized the answer in an instant.

_Dib!_

"Oh, that sneaky little Earth-worm!" I roared, so loudly that all my lights throughout the base momentarily flared. "You think you can get back at me like _that,_ do you? ! I'm not sure how you even did it...but it won't work! Why, I oughta—"

No—no, I didn't have time for that. I needed to get to work fixing this. I needed to run another diagnostic, on my whole CPU—oh, this might even require an entire system restore...no time to deal with that little traitor now. I had to make sure I wasn't going to _break_ first.

* * *

**(DIB)**

I ducked behind the nearest couch, crouched low and gasped for breath. I waited for a moment, half-expecting the all-too-familiar feeling of being grabbed and hauled off to some sort of prison. When it didn't come I sighed, climbing shakily to my feet.

"Okay...I think I lost them," I said, looking back at the crowd. I was on the far-left of the door, away from most of the dancers and music that blared from the speakers on the right; all that seemed to be here was Zim's usual furniture and one or two extra pieces, arranged in a small circle around a coffee table. "But they're going to get out of that stupid crowd soon. I need some way to find my way to the lower part of the base without being seen, so that I can—"

"_HEY, DIB!_"

"_No—__!_"

I spun around at the familiar voice, and saw that Keef was sitting on one of the couches behind me, smiling and waving. But in the split-second I turned I could have sworn I saw something, a quick flit of purple—I blinked, and then suddenly Keef was sitting alone.

It couldn't be—

"Wow, Dib, it's _so_ great to see you here!" Keef said, though my eyes were firmly focused on the space right beside him. The cushion was sunken in, as if some invisible weight were indeed pushing down on it. "And it's weird, because I tried to invite you even though you weren't home—I talked to your sister but she didn't want to come. Which is too bad, because she really needs to get out more and socialize—"

"Keef! Who was right there with you?" I asked, pointing to the vacant seat beside him.

Keef blinked his large green eyes. "Huh?"

"Someone was right there with you! Where did they go?"

Keef frowned, looking around in confusion. Then I heard a loud sigh. "Well, if the cat's already out of the bag anyway..."

The air beside Keef seemed to shimmer, and suddenly a tall girl with blue hair and a striped purple outfit appeared sitting next to him. Keef started, even as I choked slightly in surprise.

"_Tak?_ When did you get here?" Keef asked.

A forced calm replaced the annoyance on Tak's face. "I was _always_ here, darling," she said, and suddenly a flash of light shot across her eyes, making Keef's go wide and momentarily glassy.

"Oh...okay," he said simply, blinking a bit. Then his blank face resumed its usual smile, and he scooted closer to her, his grin growing even wider.

It took me a moment to find my voice. "T—_Tak? !_ What are _you_ doing here? !"

"I came with Keef," she said, looking at me with an even smirk. "You see, Dib, I—"

"She's my girlfriend!" Keef interrupted, suddenly grabbing Tak around the shoulder and giving his biggest, Keefiest grin. Tak gave him a cross look, while my jaw fell far enough to nearly hit the carpet.

"Heh...yes. Keef, darling? Could you please go get me a soda?"

"Alright!" Keef said cheerfully, jumping up and marching past me on the way to the refreshment table. Tak crossed her arms and gave me a steely look.

I slowly recovered from shock and picked my jaw up, staring at her. She stared back, looking annoyed.

When I finally found my voice I said the only thing I could possibly think of.

"_Keef? !_ I mean, Zim I can _sort_ of understand, you and him are probably the only members of your species in this entirely galaxy, so you get kind of desperate, but—_Keef? !_"_  
_

Tak scoffed, looked away, then glanced back at me with a nasty smirk. "What's the matter? _Jealous?_"

"What? ! I—_no!_" I crossed my arms and looked away, trying hard not to look back at her or think about how pretty her human disguise looked. "I prefer _mammals, _thank you very much."

Tak rolled her eyes again. "Well, Keef and my relationship is a bit..._sketchy,_ anyhow._ He_ calls me his girlfriend—I think of him more as a _pet,_" she mused, cocking her head to one side and tapping her cheek. "He really _is_ quite useful," she added.

I raised an eyebrow. "Useful _how,_ exactly?"

"Oh, he has a million and one uses. Like, watch—Keef, darling?"

"Yes?" He had just arrived back, looking up as he set her drink down on the coffee table.

"Dance for my amusement."

"_OKAY!_" His face broke into a ridiculously wide grin as he began to tap-dance wildly, waving his arms in random directions. I covered my face with my hand, sighed, then turned back to Tak.

"Well, other than making small children _dance _for you, is there any particular reason that you're here?"

"I could ask _you_ the same question." She smirked again, kicking her feet up on the coffee table as I glared. She sighed. "Well, if you _must_ know, Keef told me about this party Zim was throwing and invited me along. I came _intending_ to foil whatever plan this is and _rid _myself of him once and for all!...but he doesn't seem to be around at the moment, so I thought I'd relax." She lowered her clenched fist, smiling pleasantly. "_Love_ this song, don't you?"

"Well, Zim isn't here right now, and there _is_ no evil plan...for once. At least, not one of his."

"Hmm, sounds like there's a story there. Care to tell me what—um, Keef?"

"Yes, darling?"

"You can stop dancing now."

"Oh, good." He collapsed into the nearby armchair, slumping down with a sigh as beads of sweat fell from his forehead.

She turned back to me. "Now, what were you saying?"

"It's EARL. I mean—Zim's Computer. He's gone crazy, absolutely _ruined_ my shot of proving myself to the Eyeballs, and now I can't even—" I suddenly froze as I caught the gleam of interest in Tak's purple eyes. "...Wait. Why should I tell _you_ any of this?"

"Well, if it's a computer problem, maybe I can help," Tak said, her tone somewhat mocking. "I _do_ have a few decades of experience with machines _much_ more advanced than anything _you've_ ever toyed with."

I opened my mouth to point out that I'd "toyed" with plenty of advanced technology, up to and including her own spaceship—but fortunately thought better of it before the words could come tumbling out of my mouth. I wasn't quite sure how she would react to _that_ bit of information. "I don't need any _help,_ Tak," I said viciously, turning away again. "At least, not from anybody's who tried to destroy the planet the last time I saw her!"

Tak hissed, a tic going through her face. "_Oh,_ but I seem to recall you working with _another_ so-called Invader back then," she snapped.

I turned around to retort...but then frowned, considering. She actually had a point there...Tak wasn't the least bit trustworthy, I thought, but neither was Zim, and working with him had helped me more times than I wanted to admit. And I had no idea how to get to EARL myself—someone more familiar with Irken technology _would_ be useful.

"...Why would you want to help me?"

Tak's lip curled up into a rather sneaky grin. "Well, getting access to Zim's labs seems like a pretty good way of slowing his progress down a bit, doesn't it? Let me have a little look, break some things, take a few files from his computer and I'll help with whatever little _bug_ has this base giving you so much trouble, _hmm?_"

I paused. "That...seems alright, I guess," I said, turning back to face her. After all, slowing down Zim was good for me too, right? "But I don't even know how to get to anything like that. EARL won't talk to me, and I don't know how to get to his primary console or CPU or anything unless he lets me."

"Well, it's a good thing you have a fully-qualified Irken Invader helping you then, isn't it? Now, Zim has some sort of a faux waste receptacle leading down to his labs, correct?"

"If you mean his fake toilet, it's in the kitchen. But like I said, EARL—"

"Don't worry about that," Tak said, rising to her feet. Keef, unsurprisingly, didn't seem to be following the conversation very well, but he immediately stood along with her, apparently intent to follow.

"But how do we do this without EARL—"

"_DIBBERS!_"

"_GAH!_"

I jumped as Stu stepped out of the crowd and suddenly threw his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into a painful side-hug. He leaned down, eyes twinkling, his grin so wicked it would have made Zim green(er) with envy.

"I just wanted to _thank_ you for inviting me to this totally _awesome_ going-away party for your departure from the Eyeballs," he said, leaning so close that his ugly little soul patch tickled my chin. I snarled as he laughed, releasing me from his grip. "Seriously, I'm having a _great_ time! Great music, great food..." He suddenly seemed to notice Tak and Keef; his grin widened. "And great-looking _ladies,_" he added, suddenly sidling away from me and winking in their direction. "Hey there."

"HI!" Keef said, waving excitedly. Stu simply pushed him out of the way and leaned down at Tak, who quirked one holographic eyebrow, a tiny smile crossing her mouth.

"My name's Stoker. What's yours?"

Tak covered her mouth and let out an oddly high, girly giggle. "Tak."

"I like that name," Stu said, even as I felt my eyebrows shoot up in amazement. "You come here often?"

"Only when I'm in the quadrant."

"Huh?"

"Um, Tak?"

"Just a minute, Dib. I'm just getting to know this..._handsome_ friend of yours here," Tak said, putting one finger on Stu's chin and letting it slip down to finger his soul patch. His leer turned even more lecherous.

"Well, maybe we should go somewhere a little more private for that." He leaned even closer, his voice dropping another pitch. "There's a game of Seven Minutes in Heaven going on around the closet. Wanna have a round or two together, Tak?"

"Oh...I've never actually _played_ that game before," Tak said coquettishly, covering her mouth again. "I'm not sure how...and I wouldn't want to embarrass myself in front of everybody else."

"Oh, I'm sure we can find a private spot for a little game of our own," Stu said, slipping his hand into hers. "Come on."

He led her away, throwing me back another nasty, triumphant look. Tak giving another uncharacteristic giggle.

I could only stare as they disappeared into the crowd. Keef stared after them for another moment too, then turned to me.

"So, what do you want to do for the next seven minutes until she's done, Dib?"

"...You do know what Seven Minutes in Heaven _is,_ don't you, Keef?"

"Hmm?"

Just as I was shaking my head and trying to figure out what to do without Tak's help she suddenly reappeared, wiping her hands together and grinning triumphantly.

"Well, that idiot's taken care of," she said briskly. "Bloody fool, trying to do perform pathetic mating dance at _me_ for goodness' sake..."

"Huh?" I blinked as her words sunk into my brain. "Wait, what did you do with him? !"

"Well, let's just say he's _tied up _at the moment."

"You tied him up? !"

"Hmm? Oh, no, actually I just knocked him out. But now that you _mention_ it...be right back." A spider-leg with a length of rope poked out of her PAK as she disappeared into the crowd again.

* * *

"Alright, everybody out of here!"

"Huh?" The ten or so people lounging around the kitchen all turned as Tak strode into the room; one guy nearby looked annoyed. "Hey, kid, what gives _you_ the right—"

Tak's eyes flashed. Everybody in the room looked dazed for a moment, and then calmly filed out of the room, a few leaving their drinks and purses behind.

"Alright then, that was easy. That's the primary entrance to the lower floors?" Tak said, casually strolling over to the toilet before I could even answer.

"Yeah. But like I said, if EARL won't let us use it—"

"Well _obviously_ there has to be a manual override, doesn't there?" Tak said, getting on her hands and knees and crawling behind the latrine. "Even _Zim_ wouldn't be so dumb as to...ah, yes, here we are."

She came back out holding a plunger. I stared.

"...You're kidding, right?"

"What do _you_ think?"

She stuck the plunger into the toilet and began to plunge; for a moment nothing seemed to happen, before a low electrical whirling started along with the sound of running water.

"_EMERGENCY MANUAL OVERRIDE ACTIVATED,_" a computerized voice identical to EARL's said. I jumped, spinning around in surprise; Keef gasped and clapped his hands together.

"_Wow,_ a talking toilet! Zim has such _cool stuff!_"

"Yes, indeed. Now come on," Tak said, climbing into the toilet; Keef and I followed, the three of us standing awkwardly with the plunger still in place. (Keef looked politely confused, though less so than I thought any normal person _should _be in this sort of situation.) "Down we go."

She plunged one last time. There was a sound halfway between a flush and a _PLOP,_ and the three of us began to spin for a moment before descending down into the base.


	7. Meanwhile

Several trillion miles away, a single Irken Voot Cruiser was hurtling through space with a tense driver and two very annoying passengers.

"ARE WE THERE YET?!"

"No."

"ARE WE THERE YET?!"

"No!"

"_ARE WE THERE YET?!_"

"_NO!_ Now be quiet back there, or so help me we won't be getting ice cream on our way back, understand?!"

GIR pouted but fell silent. Zim sighed, turning back to the control panel. His PAK-legs were out and fiddling with the equipment.

Minimoose floated over. "_Squeak?_" he asked.

"I'm trying to fix the communications system! Not only is the hyperdrive broken, I can't even contact the Tallests to tell them where I am!"

"_Squeak?_"

"Because I _did_ do a diagnostic just last week! Something must have broken it since then. _GIR?_"

"Nah-ah! Minimoose did it!"

"_Squeak!_"

"Well, _somebody_ did! Oh, this is a disaster!" Zim moaned, smacking his claws in front of his eyes. "Without the hyperdrive it will take _days _to get to even the closest inhabited system, and by then the Tallests probably won't even _need_ my amazing piloting skills anymore. And what if those filthy Meekrob overtake them without _Zim_ there to assist them?"

"_Squeak!_"

"Hyuh? Oh—ha _ha._ This isn't the time for jokes, Minimoose! If you're so smart, how about you try to fix the communication system instead, huh?"

Minimoose tipped slightly in the air, looking pensive. "_Squeak?_"

"I already tried that."

"_Squeak?_"

"_Pfft._ Obviously."

"_Squeak?_"

"Minimoose, I am a member of the Irken Elite, trained in the most advanced technology of—advancced technologies. What do you take me for, a newly-hatched smeet?!"

"_Squeak._"

"_YES, _I—oh, wait, I didn't try that. Let me see..."

Minimoose rolled his eyes as Zim bent over the controls, pressing buttons with his fingers as his PAK-legs integrated with the central computer. The starfield on the viewscreen shimmered, turned to static, and a moment later turned to the communication screen, the words _CONTACTING MASSIVE_ blinking in Irken letters.

"SUCCESS!" Zim cried, punching the air as his spare limbs vanished into his PAK. "I only hope that my Tallests are still alright without the glory of _ZIM_ to protect them!"

The screen changed to show Almighty Tallests Red and Purple, both with expressions of resigned irritation on their faces. Neither they nor the scene around them looked particularly different than during any usual call.

"Hello, _Zim._ Time for your weekly status report already?" Red asked wearily.

"Status repo...? No, my Tallests! I am merely calling to tell you I am on my way, and will be at Motelia 6 as soon as...wait." Zim slowly turned his head to the side; Minimoose imitated him, stopping as he floated upside-down. "Why don't you all look more...space-battle-y?"

Red sighed. "What are you talking about, Zim?"

"Yeah, what, huh? Huh?"

"The...battle. Against the horrible Meekrob fleet! Please tell me it's not over already," Zim whined, his antennae flattening.

"Huh? Space battle? Meekrob-huh?"

"Stop that," Red sighed, pushing his colleague off-screen. "Zim, I have no idea what you're talking about. As usual. We're not anywhere near Motelia 6 and there are no Meekrob attacking us. And we wouldn't call _you_ if there were."

"Yeah," Purple said, poking his head back into view as he noshed on a doughnut. "We sort of hate you."

Zim stared. "But...what about the transmission you sent me?!"

"What transmission?" Red was starting to sound irritated now.

"The...the one that...I..."

Zim trailed off as realization hit him. He was silent for a moment before suddely throwing back his head and raising his fists, screaming so loudly that everyone of the Massive covered their antennae in pain.

**_"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIB!_"**

* * *

Dib jumped, looking around. "Did you hear something?"

"No," Tak said simply, just as the lift touched down onto the main level of Zim's underground base.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Today is my birthday. I last updated this fic on my birthday two years ago. This chapter wound up being less than 700 words, banged out in one night. I couldn't manage to write 700 words in two years? Bad me.

I don't know when the next update will be, but I'll try to get it out faster than this one. ^^; Please review!


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